


Feel Again

by TheWinterAsset



Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Inspired By a Sleeping at Last Song, Inspired by Music, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sad Ending, Suicide, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:01:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26845564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheWinterAsset/pseuds/TheWinterAsset
Summary: Nobody could have done anything to prevent his death except the one person who had inadvertently caused it.
Relationships: Matthew Casey/Kelly Severide
Comments: 8
Kudos: 37





	1. Gone

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Touch from Sleeping at Last
> 
> Rainbow_Trout, I love you, but please don’t read this even if you are tempted to!

Matt stepped through the door on weak legs. He slammed the door closed and staggered forwards, house keys falling to the floor a moment before his knees came into contact with the varnished wood. He clasped a hand over his mouth, an attempt to hold back the rippling sob that made its way out of his mouth.

Kelly wasn't coming back.

He'd never hold his warm hand again.

He wouldn't hear his soft breaths again. He'd never hear his laughter again.

There'd be no lazy mornings in bed. No baths together.

He'd never feel his strong arms again. He'd never feel safe again.

His breath caught in his throat as he sobbed.

Kelly was gone.

It had been a beautiful service. That's what everyone told Matt afterwards. He had just nodded and thanked them for coming. None of it had felt real. Why wasn't Kelly standing beside him? Making him smile and laugh. It couldn't be real.

He wanted to wake up and for it all to be some sort of terrible nightmare.

But it wasn't.

Kelly was gone.


	2. Beautiful

Boden was sitting in his office the day after Kelly's funeral. The mood in the firehouse was still somber almost two weeks after Kelly's death. He was surprised to see Matt walking towards his office just before 8am, he ushered him in when he approached and stood to greet him.

"Matt… you didn't need to come in today…"

"Sorry… that explains why there's another lieutenant in my quarters."

"No, you can stay, I can get some work for you to do?" Boden asked him.

"Sorry, I'll go," he responded, already heading out the office. His head felt as if it was floating and walking suddenly seemed harder than ever, he could feel everyone's eyes on him, burning into his skin. His heart was racing and suddenly he was too warm. He looked for Kelly as he could barely catch his breath and his vision started to swim.

As Matt stepped past the copy machine, Boden could see him falter.

He swayed and collapsed.

Connie was with Matt, kneeling down on the floor next to him, a moment before Boden.

"Get Brett and Rafferty," Boden told Connie calmly.

Matt spoke breathlessly as Connie got up from the floor. "Chief?"

"Hey, Casey," Boden spoke softly, keeping a hand on Matts shoulder.

"I… I couldn't breathe…" he responded, frowning.

Boden didn't get chance to reply as Brett and Rafferty arrived, he moved out the way so they could check him over. His heart was racing and his blood pressure was low, and it was clear he wasn't himself, unable to answer some simple questions or stand.

"Lieutenant," Brett began with a gentle smile. "We're gonna get you checked out at the hospital, just want to be safe."

Matt didn't hear anything but the word 'hospital' and he quickly shook his head. And Brett could understand his reluctance, he'd disliked hospitals even before Kelly had been pronounced dead on arrival. Matt had been standing with the ER doctor, still wearing all his gear. He'd shook his head disbelievingly because Kelly couldn't have died, he couldn't have died. Boden had gone with him to see Kelly's body and they all heard Matt's agonising cry from down the corridor.

"Matt, can you hear me?" Brett's soft voice penetrated his chaotic thoughts.

He tried to say that he was fine but all that came out was a quiet unintelligible sound and before he even realised it, he was in the back of the ambulance.  
  


* * *

Brett and Rafferty reluctantly left Matt in the ER, but Boden soon arrived. He knew Matt well enough to know that even if there was someone that could be there for him, the man wouldn't want anyone to go out of their way to be there with him. After a short wait Boden was able to go and see Matt, he stood by him as he watched the doctor and nurse speak outside the bay, Matt no longer seemed to be in any physical danger, but he wasn't acknowledging Bodens presence.

"Hey, Sara, could you see if someone from psych can come down," the doctor asked.

"Yeah, sure, it was a panic attack then?" the nurse enquired, knowing Matt from her few trips to Molly's.

The doctor nodded. "And I've just been looking at his file, I think he's in withdrawal from Prozac."

"He was here last week, a firefighter died, he was dead on arrival," she told him. "I'll ring up to psych."

"Thank you, how has he been since he's been here?

"He's exhausted but he's not letting himself sleep," the nurse told him.

The doctor nodded then slid open the door to the bay, approaching Matt purposefully.

Matt was sitting on the edge of the bed when the doctor walked in, he gave Boden a small nod in way of greeting.

"How are you feeling, lieutenant?" the man asked as he glanced over his vitals.

Matt nodded in response.

"Well, good news, physically you're fine, we've run a few tests and it looks like you had a panic attack, which can be so bad that it feels like you're dying, so nothing to be ashamed of, they happen."

"Ok," Matt replied simply.

"Someone from psych is going to come down and talk to you soon."

Matt looked up. "Don't bother with all that, I'll just go home, I feel much better now, thank you."

"It's not optional, but you should be able to go home afterwards."

"I really do feel better."

"You have withdrawal symptoms, Matt, how long have you been off your meds?"

Matt cast his eyes over to Boden briefly, the mans stance at stiffened somewhat. "A week, maybe, everything's just been… different, I'll get back into the routine of taking them, I know they work, I'll make sure I have them from now on."

"Ok, that's good, but you still need to wait and see someone from psych, it won't take long."

* * *

Matt was home five hours later, he'd said just what he needed to say to get out of there without being put on a 72 hour hold. Boden dropped him off, telling him he'd get his truck back to him within the next few hours.

Boden let himself into the house after driving Matts truck over. Donna was going to give him a ride back but first he wanted to check back in on Matt. He was sleeping so he gave the house a bit of a tidy up and started making some dinner for Matt, if he didn't want it when he woke, it could be heated up later. He also sorted Matts pills into an organiser given to him when they'd left the ER, Matt had left it on the floor by the front door, Boden just hoped it would help Matt remember to take his medication.

He heard Matt wake and move around.

Matt paused when he saw Boden standing in his living room. "Chief?"

"Your trucks outside," he told Matt.

"Thanks."

"Erm… shouldn't you be at the firehouse?" Matt asked him.

"I called in a replacement," he explained simply.

"Oh… sorry…"

"I wanted to be here," Boden said.

Matt gazed at him. "Can I work next shift?"

"I don't think you're ready, Matt."

Matt held back a sigh. "When will I be ready?"

"Lets give it a couple of weeks," Boden suggested.

"So you're just gonna leave me alone in the house I shared with Kelly?"

"You're more than welcome to come to the firehouse, but I don't want you on active duty," he explained.

"I understand," Matt said quietly, although he didn't hide the annoyance from his face.

Boden nodded. "I've made some chili for you, there's a few portions so it's all dished up and you can eat it when you want."

"Thanks," Matt responded with no emotion.

"We could have dinner together? Or I can go if you'd like me to leave, it's up to you."

"You can go," Matt said.

"Are you going to be ok if I leave you?"

"Not gonna do anything stupid if that's what you're implying, if I was they'd be holding me at the hospital still, so you can leave, thanks for the food and getting my truck," he added.

"Call me if you need anything, any time, even if you just want someone to talk to," Boden told him, although he wasn't convince Matt would.

"Yeah, thanks, bye… you can let yourself out… bye…"

* * *

Matt spent the next two weeks in a drunken nightmare ridden haze, but he was just sober enough to respond to everyone who messaged, letting everyone know he was grateful for their kind words but at the moment he just wanted to be alone.

He was sitting on the couch when Kelly appeared. "What are you doing, baby?"

Matt was frowning. "What do you mean?"

"Look around you," Kelly responded.

He glanced around the room and could see nothing unusual. When he looked back to Kelly, he was gone. "Kel? No, don't go!"

Matt woke with a start, he was covered in cold sweat. He looked to the place where Kelly had just been standing. He was gone. He was gone. He looked around, the place was a mess, his hand was covered in vomit, he used his other to wipe his mouth clean, some empty bottles fell off the couch as he moved. His head was throbbing. Dizziness overcame him and he let his body fall to the floor, not caring about the mess.

"Kelly…" he muttered, and he forced himself up. He needed to see him again.

* * *

Matt was gazing up at Kelly.

Smiling.

But there was no smile on Kelly's face.

"You said you'd never hurt yourself, I pulled you out of that bath tub, and now you're trying to kill yourself all over again?" Kelly said.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled.

"I loved you, and look what you've done, you can't survive without me, how do you think that makes me feel?"

"No… no… no… it's not your fault, I'm sorry, Kelly, I'm sorry…"

"I cleaned your blood up and it was all for nothing."

"I'm sorry," Matt responded.

"Casey?" came a familiar voice from a distance.

"I'm sorry," he said again as Kelly faded away. "I'm sorry…"

"Matt?"

He came to with Boden's concerned features looking down at him.

"Hang on, don't move. Have you taken something?" Boden's voice boomed.

He frowned, trying to think.

"Lieutenant, have you overdosed?"

Matt shook his head.

"You've been drinking?"

He nodded.

"Let's get you up, off the floor," Boden spoke, slipping his arms under Matts and hauling him up.

Matt couldn't hold his own weight. He was moved bodily onto the couch, where he slumped forward, unable to even remain upright.

He was pushed back so he was leaning on a cushion. "Stay awake," Boden warned him before disappearing.

In a blur of movement, Boden was back in front of him, and he found himself apologising profusely.

"It's ok, Matt," Boden soothed.

He kept shaking his head, which only seemed to make him dizzier.

"It's ok. It's really hard right now, I can't imagine how you're doing without him, but I'm here. I'm not nearly as good as Kelly, but you're not alone. I'm here."

He threw up, barely missing Boden, and eventually Boden let him sleep. When he woke the lounge was immaculate and there was fresh food in the refrigerator, and clean clothes piled neatly on the dining table.

Matt found Boden in the bathroom. He was on his hands and knees, cleaning.

"You didn't have to," Matt said quietly.

Boden turned and smiled. "You're up. How are you feeling?"

He just nodded. "You didn't have to do all this," he said again.

"I wanted to, there's not gonna be much I can do to help you. Tidying is one thing though, makes me feel better, like I'm doing something," Boden explained as he stood up.

"It's ok, you don't need to help me, I'll be fine, I am fine," he responded.

Boden just looked at him.

"Ok, I'm not, but it doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters; you matter," Boden told him.

He shook his head. "Never have, never will."

"Do you really believe that?"

"Why shouldn't I?"

"You mattered to Kelly. You matter to me, everyone else at 51. Your sister and niece. You do matter."

"Say it that many times and it doesn't sound like a real word," Matt responded with shrug.

"Something I've found useful in the past, and it might not help, but it may be worth trying, but I've written letters," he told Matt.

"Letters?" Matt asked before he could finish.

"To the dead," he explained. "You can talk to Kelly, say goodbye."

Matt's lower lip wobbled and he fought back the tears that threatened to fall. "It was too quick."

Boden nodded, placing a firm hand on Matts shoulder and the tears fell. He brought Matt into a tight hug, holding him as his whole body shook with sobs.

* * *

It was a beautiful spot. The view was picturesque, just like the day he and Kelly had stopped to take in the sight of the rolling hills, the river ending far in the distance.

He was calm. He'd never felt so peaceful.

"Hey, Matt."

He turned to see Kelly standing next to him.

"Take my hand, we'll go together."

He stepped away from the edge and closed his eyes.

And he smiled.


End file.
